Today I finally admitted to myself it was time to go to the doctors about my depression. Having been on medication for over 5 years I’ve done pretty well, with one episode off meds and a crash, going back on meds and realising that I wasn’t controlling the depression when within 2 weeks I was feeling “good”. (Aside from the lovely libido killing side effects, which I’ve been told by my GP don’t exist, I think he should take it for six months or so, let’s see if he can perform!)
Depression is so insidious. It creeps up on you. Starting with negative thoughts, paranoia, insecurity, low self esteem and general “it’s all a bit too hard feelings”, topped off with feeling like crying for no apparent reason and often at inappropriate times. Can someone please invent an electronic device that monitors internal talk and can recognise the signs off depression and give a Lost in Space Robot warning, aka, “warning Will Robinson, warning, your feelings of paranoia, insecurity and negative thoughts are thru the roof, consult your GP or therapist now”…or something like that!
I realised that something was up when I started taking conversations with friends and work colleagues personally. It’s sooooo frustrating and I’m sure they’re thinking “what the fuck’s going on with her”. No amount of inner “it will be ok, just relax” talk can stop it.
It’s also difficult to talk about it with friends and family and even my partner. Mainly because unless they have first hand experienced it themselves they just don’t get it. Don’t get me wrong, they have empathy etc but it’s so invisible that I’m sure they’re thinking “what’s the matter, stop being negative, get on with it”. Or maybe that’s just my paranoia talking. See what I mean!
So the short of it is, off to the doctor. Ick!
Great resource Beyond Blue.